The Dream (Epic fail at a romantic poem)

There's this dream that recurs, quite frequently in my head
Usually at times when I'm all alone, lying exhausted on my bed.
I'm sitting alone on a stone bench, at someplace I don't recall seeing
Seems the middle of nowhere, there’s no sight of another human being.


The night is serene yet intimidating, I hear the sound of a flowing river
The cold infused in every breeze, effortlessly makes me shiver.
But then you appear from the dark, radiating perfectly the moon's pale glow
You smile but you do not speak, you just keep walking nice and slow.


I melt into your glimmering eyes, which could compliment the darkest night
You keep smiling and I stare, stunned out of any kind of words outright
You keep your head on my shoulder, a warmth instantly touches my spine
The way my skin feels soothed , when its kissed by early sunshine.


I tilt my head and close my eyes, wishing God would put time to a pause
Freezing this moment for eternity, overturn the laws of time because
when I’m with you in this... trance, its like I can’t imagine putting anything better,
Everything.... just about everything, seems perfect to the very last letter.


Its unfortunate that I already know, that in time it’ll all be forsaken,
Because I’m living in and off dreams, from which I know I’ll soon awaken.
But I loved the way your black hair, drew invisible lines across my cheek,
I loved the way you sitting next to me, made it impossible for me to speak.


All I wanted to do at that moment, was just lose myself to lies,
The desperation with which I wanted to stay I guess itself implies...
How badly I wanted for once... just to know how amazing it'll be,
Away from lives that hold us back, far away... just you and me.


But then you start glowing brighter, and then the realisation starts to sink,
That all this is some latent fantasy, which I’ve lost in the span of a blink.
I've felt this so many times before, I've stopped bothering about what’s broken,
Always hoping that tomorrows dream, is when I'll tell you all thats unspoken.


You start to fade into the night, pure black at its magnificent best,
I manage to see you smile a last time, before the last of you regressed.
I know I'm drowning neck deep, in dreams which are just too good to be true,
But I guess I'm learning to smile from loving, these wishful meetings with you.

Love of a Mother

I watch you fight an invisible force, everyday you grapple with it to speak
Then I can't make out what you're saying, tears come rolling down my cheek.
I pray to be able to read your thoughts, do the things your mind has planned
I beg to be able to be a good mother, to be able to understand.


Understand all your beautiful intentions, which Autism has so painfully tainted
I wish I could see the lovely pictures, which your mind has so delicately painted
It pains to see you trying to convey something, when the world around you swirls
It pains when I can’t find a bridge, to reduce the gap between our worlds.


Your cries hurt me more than they hurt you, because I can't perceive your signs
I break down when we sing songs together, and you can't remember the lines.
I weep my eyes red when I can't tell, whether you even like whatever I cook?
I cry when I have to read you a story, but I don't know your favourite book.


But even when I can’t stop my tears at times, there are moments of absolute magic
Moments which seem to balance the worst, all the other times when it seems so tragic.
Like when you forget to say the right words, and you find yourself in a total muddle
You smile, you walk slowly towards me, then wrap your arms around me and cuddle


You've taught me not to cry anymore, turned my tears into spell of hysterics
At those times we sing at nights together, and you can't remember the lyrics.
You've taught me that we might struggle, but we're only strengthening our bond
With every second that we spend together, even when neither of us can respond


You mean the whole wide world to me, nothing can beat the love I have for you
So let all these problems rot in hell, hold me close and we'll make it through.

Infinite Darkness.

Sometimes I sit down to think, if I'm satisfied with my living

If my life would have differed, If God was a little forgiving?

I ask Him why I should be happy, when all my dreams he tore

Why should I be satisfied, when I know I could have had more?

I stand up in anger from my chair, wanting to try if I could sense

my way around my room for once, even if it was false pretence.

I was clumsy, disorganised... like a bird who's wings never flapped

But I was desperate, to shake off the feeling... of knowing I'm handicapped.

Every day I wished I was born, with a pair of eyes to glimpse

at all the things I've heard about, away from this eternal eclipse.

God knows how many times I think, about all the closed choices

about never before seen colours, the faces behind all these voices.

I try to envision being able to walk, without having to use this cane

I try to perceive what It'd be like, to look at nights kissed by the rain.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to see, all the food and drinks I savour

If I'd be able to do things on my own, instead of asking for favours.

The heart cries for this and more, not a single day can I breathe

God punish me if I'm lying, or if this has any undertone of greed.

But you know what puzzles me? Sometimes I think I'm blessed.

That I don't have to see my own kin, when they are sad or depressed.

It’s because I can't see I think, I've appreciated everything double fold

I'm happy hearing the rain, feeling the sun on my skin when I'm cold.

I'm grateful that I can't observe, all that is the Devil's property

The ugly face of terrorism or war, and the sadness that is poverty.

Sometimes I confuse myself too... What is it that I'd rather hold?

The ability to open my eyes at last, or keep them as they are... closed?

There's a rift inside to what I want, am I with this blindness, gifted?

Or perhaps I'm learning to live, until this infinite darkness is lifted.

Act of Random Kindness

There are numerous times in every person’s life when a friend, dear or distant, does something out of the blue- a call or a text message, a small note in your bag... that just lifts your heart. That small act of kindness leaves an imprint much stronger than anyone anticipates, a memory among memories, which keeps the bond of friendship ever so fresh and strong. But imagine yourself in a situation where you are struggling (and I mean big time), struggling to hold focus, to motivate yourself, to put yourself back together. You choose to keep these facts hidden from the people dear to you, afraid... that it might evoke needless sympathy and worries, which in turn will hurt you more. Then you realise, that the people closest to you are stuck in their own lives...  entangled in the fine and sticky webs they spun around themselves. Who, or what then, do you look forward to?

I was walking back from college at 8:30 P.M on a Wednesday night, another tiring 12 hour workday which started at 8 in the morning. A gruelling 2 hour football game had been preceded by 6 hours of work, without the help of breakfast or lunch to fuel the body which was by now, violently complaining for food. To make matters worse, it had started raining... and just this morning, fooled by a harsh sunny day I had removed my raincoat from my bag. Bravo Shamir... Bravo.

So here I was, literally dragging my feet in the rain, head bowed with the tiring routine when I heard a voice say “You need a lift son?”

I looked up, and saw an old man on a run-down moped from the early 1800’s I think... The kind of gift I expected from my sister for my birthday. I smiled, (very very appreciatively) and said “No thank you sir, I just have to walk about 600 metres to the bus stop. Please do carry on, thank you so much.” (I think the look of disgust on my face when I said 600 metres said it all).

But he shook his head and gave a patronising nod. “You won’t get too far in the rain in shorts and a torn football jersey. Hop on, I’ll be passing the bus stop on my way home.”

I looked at my right sleeve and true as he said, there was a big hole. The cold rainwater had been irritatingly giving me mini chills, so finally giving in, I gratefully agreed.

In the 10 minutes that the ride took, we swapped names, and a little bit of info on where we worked and where we lived. Seeing the bus stop in proximity, he stopped and then bade me a good night. I shook his hand with a new found respect for a complete stranger, a warm, genuine admiration for his random act of kindness.

The rest of the trip was a 50 minute-8 km trip in torrential downpour, but I wasn’t bothered. A little humanity from a fellow human being had filled my mind with a resolve that the world had a lot of unseen kindness to give. The best part is, I didn’t even have to find it... it walked up straight to me. Where my close friends had failed to see I needed a small dose of the “feel-good” pill, a stranger had unconsciously injected it in me. That’s the power of a random act of kindness... something that inspires me even today to do the little things... even when they seem they aren’t needed, hoping that I cheer someone else up in the process. In times of peril a little empathy, from anywhere, goes a long way... 

Miserable Monday

How I wished, the German class would just end soon,

I’m sleepy, it’s already 4:30 in the afternoon.

Boredom reached its limits; I knew I could have died,

Just as the German teacher said his 400th”Tut mir lied”.

And then I heard the magical words, from his mouth,

“German is over, now you can go out”

Pumped with energy, filled with desire,

I ran out of class like my ass was on fire.

And as I reached outside, my feet automatically stopped

I could swear my eyes from their sockets, almost popped

I saw her right there, skin as white as milk

The hair flowing down, like fine threads of silk

A thing of beauty, she glided through the street

I adjusted my path, to make sure we would meet,

I looked up then, into those beautiful eyes

With the glow and warmth of a firefly’s

And slowly but surely her head turned around

For the second time, my feet were stuck to the ground,

“Excuse me” she said”where’s the academic block?”

“Just continue straight” (Wow! She actually talked?!)

“Thank you so much” she said, with a smile so quaint

I smiled back stupidly, trying not to faint,

“Haha, you’re so cute”, she cheerily obliged

And I turned as red as a baboon’s backside.

And then fate stepped in, and took a turn for the worse

A cruel game of life, my luck turned to curse.

He came up smoothly, gave her a kiss on the cheek

And then I discovered, I had no words to speak

It was like I swallowed, a jar full of salt

What the hell did I do? Was it my fault?

The spot where he kissed her, turned a rosy red

“Madam, do you even remember anything I said?!”

It was like straight from Titanic, just different you see

She was Kate Winslet, Leornado was me,

And just as I tried to climb the floating door,

She stamped on my face, I reached the ocean floor.

“What are you thinking?” the guy suddenly said

“How to bang an iron rod, right on your head”

“Bye” she said demurely, smiling with grace

I was stranded in cold, the blood left my face

She was 23, and that was the scene

And I was a demented nutcase, only 17

It wouldn’t have worked, I sadly grinned,

To her anyway, I was a fart in the wind.

I bowed my head, gracious in defeat

Well at least I still am, single and complete.

Random Memories

It seems like so much time has passed, since I sat down to write what I feel

About you, my life or anything else, of all things with which I have to deal.

It’s been 3 months since you moved away, and every single day it seems so long

I’m sure you don’t feel the same way do you? But it’s really hard to stay this strong.

Every day for 8 months I’ve stood quietly, waiting for some miracle to fall into place

And everyday I’ve felt the same disappointment, of my dreams shot far into space.

You stay unaware of all of my efforts, and every second it’s constantly pinching

I’m coming apart at the seams right now, not a day passes without me flinching.

It doesn’t help that you pay no heed at all, to everything that I would put on the line

And how I treasure you the most out of things, which I could never really say were mine.

Try stepping into my shoes for a while, switch places with me for at least a while

I’ll wear your size 6 shoes for a day too, and then we’d both try and walk a mile.

You’ll see how you run through my mind all day, how every dream of mine has to have you

How staying so far away is damn tough on me, seconds spent NOT thinking about you are few.

How reading your text messages makes me smile, more generously than anything else

How looking at your pictures mesmerises me, enchanted like I’m under some spells.

But there’s the painful part which exceeds the good, that’ll show you how much it stings

When every dedicated try goes unnoticed, how you get pissed with the smallest of things.

You’d come to know how nervous I am, when I call you hoping you’d pick up and answer

You’ll see how it feels to be ignored, how frustration engulfs every part of you like cancer.

You’d probably learn how patient I've been, and then you can say if you can blindly follow,

Someone who doesn’t love you back at all, and be the one with all the pride to swallow.

I know we can’t exchange our places, but if you could just try closing your eyes to see

If you’d be willing to do this for YOUR love, maybe then you’d give ONE chance to me.

What’s the point of writing this anyway... You never read anything I write,

You won’t read this either but if you do... I hope you see how hard I fight.  

Discovering the Dark

A lot of people will probably agree when I say this, everyone’s personality is dominated by particular traits, prominently and clearly outlining how a person is, how he/she behaves and how their mindset is. But there are sides to everyone’s personalities, which remain dormant... waiting to be triggered by a word, a person, an incident, a situation. A calm and composed person will probably experience something which will force him/her to remove every bit of the built up anger and impatience, something unnatural to his/her usual self. Similarly, a happy-go-lucky person will go through a phase where he/she feels lonely and left out in spite of being surrounded by infinite known faces. People deep in depression learn how to rise from the ashes, the experience teaches them how to deal with the worse case scenarios life is capable of embracing. In my opinion, discovering and loving these sides lying in the dark, is critically important. Knowing yourself completely, finding out things which may disappoint or surprise you is something that makes you versatile, it’s only that when we spend time in the dark that we learn to respect the light.

My attempt at discovering the dark started one day with a simple conversation with a friend. She had just been reading the collection of my funny poems, when she asked me “Have you ever tried writing serious stuff?” I replied in the affirmative, saying I had tried hard but come up with very little stuff that made sense. Writing on personal experience was hard, things became repetitive and I sort of knew that only close friends would understand who or what I was talking about. Being spontaneous and nonsensically funny came easily to me, all I had to do was say the first thing that came to my mind. But her question forced me to re-consider, and I sat down to write something which would test my ability to be versatile, to write on something which would evoke the 1^st of the potent “3-L” emotions Love, Lust and Laughter.

I decided to try and transform a story into a tragedy, one which everyone could read and understand. There were many problems, something which took a whole lot of time to rectify. Capturing the protagonist’s accurate feelings was vital, I did not want to leave out any emotion, that would have been disrespectful to say the least .I wanted to keep it fairly simple, knowing that complicated words would mean too much was lost in translation. Writing something detailed and long, would probably make readers lose interest at a point.. 2 days of thinking and a lot of rewriting later, I came up with this-

I woke up that morning, just couldn't stop smiling,

“I'm gonna meet her today! The excitement was piling.”

This was the first time I'd see her, I'd only heard her on the phone

Endless conversations, girlish charm.. She'd had me fully blown.

"I'll see you tomorrow love.. Would 10 O'clock be fine?"

She said in a voice more intoxicating than wine.

I happily agreed.. I didn't sleep through the night

What will I say to her? Will everything be all right?

As the questions just went on, the night slowly faded

and as the clock ticked time, I felt increasingly elated.

I wore my best attire, stepped out into the sun's rays

So this was how it felt being in love.. I was totally dazed!

I reached the place we talked about, all that was left was the waiting

As I turned around, I saw her in the distance.. the one who I was dating.

She was on the other side of the street, exactly like the pictures I'd seen

She wasn't pretty or cute, but to my world she was the queen.

As her eyes finally met mine, I felt my heart was just struck

And as I blinked ever so slowly, I heard the horn of a truck.

The truck swerved out of control, it hit her body which bended

The echoes of her last scream, even today haven't ended.

I ran to where she lay destroyed, where her soul was so cruelly taken

I refused to believe she was gone,. Hoped that suddenly I'd awaken

I held her for the first time in my arm, knowing it would be the last time too

My hands were shaking, my feet were quaking, I just didn't know what to do

My eyes went numb, the tears wouldn't stop.. Her blood was on my skin

Half of me was too shocked to speak, half was ripped from within

The people started crowding around, A sea of insensitive whispers

All I needed was time alone with he, I prayed they would just disperse.

I closed her eyes, kissed her forehead, the cold skin froze my lips

They told me gently "It's no use now", and firmly tightened their grips.

I shouted and fought, like a savage beast.. every part of me grew wild

for a moment I was like a mother, separated from her infant child.

Her petite body lay on the red pavement.. not moving, ever so still

The sight of her so lifelessly limp, immediately snapped my will.

At that instant, I couldn't take no more, all I remember was falling

My mind went blank, knees gave away, my name people were calling

Later that night among all the grief.. I told myself I'd be brave

I picked my jacket, pulled it on.. then headed towards her grave

The light rain hid my tears, told me even the Gods were crying

She came and left so effortlessly, and now, even my soul was dying.

The seconds turned to minutes and then to hours..I just didn't want to leave

The fact that you were somewhere else now, was just too hard to believe.

I looked up at the sky, trying to find some...any kind of response from you

Trying to calm the urge to come to where you were, which ever so madly grew.

Your voice on the phone, so mesmerising, always kept me breathing

Now all that was left was this huge hole inside.. leaving me lost and seething.

I'll never know how it would have felt, to hug, to hold, or kiss you

But there is one thing I'll never forget, is how it feels to miss you.

4 long hours later, I gently stood back up, on her grave I left a rose

Hoping that how much I'm going through, wherever she is she knows

I went home, fell on my bed.. read her messages so subtle and clever..

The only memories I have left of her, which I'd keep with me forever.

It's been years since that fateful day.. but the memories still haunt.

If I'd not told you to meet me that day, would things still be this gaunt?

All I can do is ask questions, whose answers will remain a mystery

And I remain, a broken man.. with a dark, unforgettable history..

The response I received was really good, people congratulated me for trying something different. The fact that I was able to dig deep and find inspiration was even more satisfying. Thats why it’s something I’ve come to firmly believe in- “If you can’t make your light side any better, then polish your dark side.”