Growing Up

Most of my friends who know me from a few years back, would agree to the fact that at one point, I was one hell of a different person. It wasn't until 16-17 when I realised that experiences mold you as a person, irrespective of the person you want to be. Back then, I was this cold hearted, girl-hating jerk. The only thing I ever loved was football, and the phase of being a bad mouthed rebellious teen had made me quite a pain in the backside. I had my own special set of friends who I chose very carefully, considering the fact that these were the only people I would trust and who I knew would accept me the way I was. That included my nonchalant ability to be extremely rude, the fact that I paid no attention to girls (The feeling was very mutual) and that I was a smooth liar.


There were good things too I guess, that to the people close to me, I was fiercely loyal, and I would readily take a punch for anyone who I though was worth standing up for. Then there was this natural ability to be funny, in a sarcastic, cheesy way plus the fact that I was fat and shaped like a round bottomed flask only accentuated the fact. But now, things are different. One or two incidents transform you to a person so different... that those earlier hidden qualities, which lay buried inside by the fear of being called a sissy (believe me, every teenage guy's nightmare) come to the fore, bringing out a more subtle, understanding person.
 I guess that is what happened to me after my grandfather passed away and my first relationship tormented me to bits. In both cases I felt utterly cheated... In the first case, when no one told me that until I reached grandpa's house it had been 3 days since he passed away (and that he had already been cremated) left a permanent gash inside. In the second case, when I was being double dated inspite of being serious to an extent I never knew I could be capable of had left me so badly hurt, frustrated and angry that I was scared of letting it out, knowing I could lash out at literally anybody near me. The phase that followed tested my every little and big effort to endure and swallow my pride and pain. 


Thats when a need to form stronger relationships with everyone became a realistic option, I wanted to prove to myself that I wouldn't let anyone close to me go through what I had to face. I chose not to change because consequences told me to, but because I felt I hadn't been giving my friends what they deserved from me. Thats the time I started writing poetry, to keep my thoughts from muddling up. I knew it was random bullshit, but it made me feel better and that is what counted the most for me. So yeah today, I'm going to share the very first poem I EVER wrote. It was the very first time, I let the "macho" image that every guy desired, go to crap, and decided to just let go. Taking into perspective that I was an idiot of the highest quality, I would call the first poem a decent shot. 


Ever seen the beautiful birds, up in the sky?

The stronger they are, the longer they fly.
Forgetting everything, they ride the breeze,
The stronger it is, the greater the ease.

Why lose track of things, in the hunger for speed?
To crave everything, stoking the fire of greed?
When emotions are high, you push till you break,
Every muscle tweaks, every bone starts to ache.

But no blow is complete, until it’s one on the heart,
It sucks up character, it rips you apart.
How will you notice? You’re too blind to see,
How much it tears up, every single part of me.

But I understand this pain, and a thousand deaths I’ll die
Before I even consider hurting you, before I make you cry.
Even though it hurts, I’ve learnt something from you,
To give up the old me, to try and be someone new.

To love everyone dearly, to give up my fears,
For people like you, not to waste all my tears.
I’ve learnt how to care, I’ve learnt how to grip,
I’ve learnt how to smile, everytime you make me slip.

I’ve stopped thinking about you, lying on my bed,
There was one day I found out, I had no tears to shed.
You said you loved me, now I know you’re a liar,
If you try and fool me again, I’ll retaliate with fire.

You won’t realize now, how much you betray,
But I’m not sad anymore, cause there will be a day.
When you realize, that my love was like threads,
Without their support, you’ll be ripped into shreds.

When you see no one trusts you, they give you no rights,
No one will take the blame, like I did in our fights.
No one will stay awake, all through your pain,
No one can love you like I did, ever again.

When will you learn,” I love you” isn’t a lie?
That’s it’s a strong bond, which you eternally tie?
You’ve kicked me, hurt me, dragged me through hell,
But look at me now, I’m always getting well.

You regret your decision, you want me back?
I’ll remember your words” You’re idiotic, you’re slack”
Why should I care, when you tossed my love around?
I’m not coming back now, so YOU can stare at the ground.

During all of this suffering I learnt how to strive,

Standing in tears and rain, I learnt how to thrive.
It’s your turn to shout now, your turn to moan,
when you realize no one can hear you, you’re all alone.

But you know what.. I always hate it, when the gun’s in my hand
I don’t want to use it like you did, I don’t feel so grand.
I am nowhere as cruel, like all the times you’ve been,
I don’t want you to suffer, cause I’ve felt it and seen.

When someone’s lying hurt, I can’t rub my hands with glee,
Unlike you I’d ask for forgiveness, if the reason is me.
So when its YOUR turn to fall , I’ll throw you a rope
Inspite of all that you did, I’ll be the only hope.

I know that people who don't know me personally will find it tough to relate, but people who have gone through similar stuff will understand what I'm talking about. I guess I'm actually grateful to my ex, for forcing me to discover something i thought I never had.